Animality
by Monkeybarrel
Summary: Wild Adapter one shot. After finding another victim of WA, Tokitoh tries to come to terms with what he is and what his future will be with Kubota.


Quick note – Wild Adapter one shot.  A little break from the ongoing Stay Here With.  Major props always to J for being the super-beta.  Comments and criticisms are always welcome (and very much appreciated).  ^_^  Thanks always.    

Disclaimer:  All that is WA/EC/Kubotoki belong to Kazuya Minekura.  Any typos or grammar errors belong to me though. ^^;;;  

Warnings:  Spoilers for volume 2 of the manga, language, some gore, and yes, some yaoi bits.

Animality

The cops on the scene didn't notice them at first as they ducked underneath the yellow tape that criss-crossed over the door.  Out of habit, Kubota bobbed his head as he stepped inside.  "Don't mind us…" he muttered, making a slight acknowledgment to the apartment owner who probably at that moment didn't care who was coming in.  Kubota smiled as he heard Tokitoh repeat the same nicety.  The boy behind him was gazing about the entrance, taking in everything.  From where they were standing, the apartment seemed small, maybe a one bedroom at most.  Its condition was what some might call squalid, but after paying these "visits" for some time, they had both seen worse.  The carpet was rotting in the corners, and the stains that streaked across the yellowed walls revealed more about the occupant than the name plate by the door. 

Kubota stepped over the entranceway where a few stray shoes lay scattered.  None of them belonged to the officers who were walking about.  Cases like these, normal house etiquette seemed a little superfluous.  The entranceway opened out on to a small room.  Two officers were peering under a ragged looking sofa and did not notice the two boys entering into the apartment.  They quietly walked past the officers and down a short hall.  A tiny kitchen was to their left and Kubota gave a quick look inside.  One officer was searching through the cupboards and saying aloud the contents in each to another officer standing by the fridge, taking notes.  The kitchen was mostly bare outside of the few dishes stacked in the sink, their surfaces crusted over with bits of food.  Tokitoh wrinkled his nose and grimaced.  "This place reeks" he grumbled under his breath, but they kept walking on.  They hadn't come to criticize.  Passing the by the toilet and the bathroom, Kubota came to what was most likely the bedroom, and also the one room the officers were walking in and out of the most.  He stuck his head in, peering inside.  A moment later he was nudged from behind, and he turned to look back at Tokitoh.

"Is it in there?" Tokitoh hissed.  His eyes were darting backing and forth at the cops walking about.  Even though they both had seen quite a few of these sites so far, it still made him nervous to be so close to those investigating the drug victims.  Like at any second one of officers might turn around and point, saying "You!  You're one of THEM!"  He didn't know what would be next after that.  Would they take him away along with whatever remains were left dripping off the stretcher that was always carried off to who knows where?  Probably then to be poked and examined, and looked at by grave faces, who would shake their heads and click their tongues and say things like "too bad" and "what a waste", stuff the cops always said at the sites they'd been to.  His left hand went instinctively to his right, and his fingers slid across his glove.  The leather was smooth to the touch, but the glove could only cover up what people saw.  To him, he could still feel through the fabric that his hand wasn't…normal.  

"It looks like it's here, but there're still too many people around to really see." Kubota answered.  Tokitoh's response was silence.  The other boy stepped away from the door and looked more closely at him.  Tokitoh's gaze was to the floor, and he was quietly rubbing his right hand.  Kubota frowned and reached over, squeezing his shoulder.  Tokitoh looked up surprised at his touch.

"Are you alrigh-"

"HEY!" A voice broke into his question and both Kubota and Tokitoh turned to see one officer storming over to them from inside the bedroom.  "What the hell are you kids doing in here?  This is a closed area!  Now get the hell out of here before you mess something up!"

Kubota turned and smiled.  "Well…" He started to explain.  "We're just here to-"

"It's okay, Fumiya.  They're with me."  All three turned to look back down the hall to see another officer, one older than most of the others on the scene, walking over towards them.  His hands were stuck deep in the pockets of his trench coat.  He gave them all a nod.  "So, just let'em be."

"Kasai, civilians on a crime scene is strictly forbidden-" the officer named Fumiya started in on Kubota's uncle.  

"Yeah, so's smoking.  And looky here."  Kasai held up his cigarette with one of his white gloved hands.  "We're just breaking all the rules today, aren't we?"  He began to drop ashes on the floor.  "Well, now look.  I'm messing up the crime scene.  Not that you could tell from the rest of the shit lying around here."  He moved past Fumiya into the bedroom.  "Now why don't you just go and take notes of what's in the other room.  That's yer job, ain't it?  This-" He waved towards a corner of the room that was splashed all over with dark red stains.  "This is MY job.  Or do we need to go ask the Captain to clarify again whose job is whose?  Hm?"  

Fumiya gave them a dark look and turned to walk back towards the kitchen.  Kasai let out a sigh.  "Why do I get all the stupid ones?" the older man muttered as he went into the bedroom.  Kubota and Tokitoh followed him.

"Hey, old man.  You gonna get in trouble?"  Tokitoh gave the hallway a backward glance.  

"I'm always in trouble, Toki-boy."  Kasai gave him a crooked smile.  "Something you both are probably familiar with.  Now let's see what today's special is…"  He walked over to the corner and tapped the officer still bent over what looked to be a wet pile of clothes.  "Gimme a minute and let me have a look-see here."  The officer turned back to see Kubota and Tokitoh standing behind Kasai.  He gave them a questioning look, but nodded and got up to leave.  Bending down, Kasai started to poke at the clothes and then called out.  "Already from here I can tell you're going to need some more of those baggies to clean this up.  There's no way we'll be able to pick through this shit with our hands."

The officer gave them a somber look.  "Yes, sir.  I'll go get more."  When he left, they were then alone in the room with the corpse, or what was left of it.  

"Fuck, this one's a winner."  Kasai took out a thin pair of tongs and started to pick through the pile.  "There's gonna be little left to help us here today, boys."  Tokitoh just watched silently as the detective lifted a shirt gingerly aside.  Drops of red fell from the fabric and onto the floor.  

Kubota bent down next to his uncle.  He looked over the pile for a few moments and pointing at the clothes, asked, "Seeing how it's still pretty wet, my guess is that this happened not too long ago, right?"

"Yeah.  We just got the call from the manager," Kasai answered.  "She was squawking about her "no-good" tenant keeping everyone awake with some kind of racket last night.  She went to the door, but he didn't open it.  She finally just went and unlocked it herself and then she found him just a mess, but still alive."

"Still alive?" Tokitoh asked quietly behind them.  Kasai turned back and nodded.  

"Yeah.  But a mess, she said.  Just covered in shit and blood, and looking like a "wild beast."  He went after her but she slammed the door on him and ran back to her place.  That's when she called us.  By the time we got here though, this is all that's left."  He waved towards the pile.  "He must have just tore himself apart in the end.  Fuckin' blows my mind sometimes.  What these kids do for a good time.  Little do they know, the poor bastards."  Kasai stopped and looked up to see Tokitoh's gaze resting on the pile, his left hand covering his right.  Kasai reached over and patted his arm.  "Hey, Toki-boy.  I wasn't talking about-"

"Officer Kasai!" a voice called from the hallway.  "The manager's here again and wants to talk to you!"  Kasai looked from the door to the boys and then to the pile.  He sighed and stood up.  "You both know what not to do here."  He cocked his head over to the corner.  "I'll be right back."  A moment later he was gone.  Kubota and Tokitoh both looked at the door and then back to the corner.  Tokitoh knelt down and peered more closely.  He had to cover his nose with his hand.  Although the death hadn't happened too long ago, the remains still carried a strong, pungent odor.  All the victims smelled the same, a mix of blood, sweat, shit, and something else. Like if sheer animal violence had a smell, it would be a lot like what filled the air at that moment.  A part of him wanted to gag, but another part, the part pushing him to be there, to find out everything they could so that whatever clues they found would maybe reveal something about himself, overrode his gag reflex.  He stayed on the floor, his eyes searching at the streaked walls and soaked clothes, looking for anything that might say "WA" and thus anything that might say "Tokitoh Minoru".  

Kubota had gotten up and started to peer around the little room.  He stepped over the thin futon that lay on the floor and looked down at a stack of books by the window.  He nudged it gently with his foot, toppling them.  "Woops," he murmured.  "Clumsy me."  He bent down, squinting at the titles.  "My, my.  Voltaire, Tolstoy...even Marx.  Looks like our friend the shirt there is probably a student."  Kubota shook his head.  "Or was.  There's some practice exam books here too.  Probably a ronin, failing the exams and trying again.  I bet the drugs are what screwed up his scores the most though."  He paused and reached down, picking up one of the books.  "…I always wanted to read this one."

Tokitoh wasn't listening.  He was still staring at the pile.  With a pencil he found on the floor, he began to carefully poke at it, lifting up folds of the wet fabric.  Digging deeper down, he poked something hard.  His eyes widened and he slowly pushed back the clothes on top.  There he revealed one whole limb that lay underneath.  Its clawed fingers reached up towards the ceiling, like it had been trying to escape, or worse, reaching up for the help that would never come.  He stared at the hand.  It had the same light brown furry skin as his.  The claws though were a darker shade, and the tips were stained a deep red, like it had been digging in something…or someone.  

He bit his lip and turned to look back.  Kubota was bent over the books by the window.  He looked over to the doorway and saw that it was still clear.  He turned back to the corner and slowly with his left hand, he began to take off the glove on his right.  Without a word, he brought his own clawed hand down next to the corpse's.  Except for the discoloring, it was almost an exact match.  The fur, the shape, the nails.  The difference was that at his wrist, the animal changed back to a human, with smooth, unmarked skin.  The corpse's animal hand changed to nothing, because below the wrist there was nothing but a few strands of flesh, hanging loosely and tangling themselves into the clothes pile.  He stared dumbly back from his hand to the body's.  He didn't know who this guy once was, but these hands somehow connected them, as if they were apart of the same litter of lost kittens left in some box somewhere and then scattered about.  But now he was finding the rest of the litter one by one, but they could tell him nothing about where that box had come from, or rather where he had come from before he fell into it.  He knew deep down though that outside of the claws, there was little between him and the dead they kept finding.  Somehow they had all taken WA, but only he had survived.  

His hand squeezed into a fist and he could feel his claws digging into his palm.  Somehow he had survived, but he still didn't know how or why.  All he knew was that Kubota had found him in an alley one day, almost dead, and with this animal hand.  All he'd learned since was what had happened to others with this hand, how they'd ended up with their insides out, strewn across their rooms or in the back of alleys with what little left of their bodies reaching up to the sky.  He had learned that over and over and over again…

A sound from behind broke into his thoughts and he turned his head.  Kubota was kneeling on the ground, flipping through one of the books.  His expression was one of concentration, and Tokitoh watched as the other boy's head seemed to get lost in the book's binding.  He rolled his eyes.  "If you found a book while we were sinking in quicksand, you'd stop and read it…" he muttered.

"You're not supposed to struggle if you fall into quicksand.  If you read more, you'd know that." Kubota replied back without looking up.       

"…I read…"  Tokitoh scowled at his back and turned again to the pile.  "Stupid Kubo-chan, you don't learn everything from books…"  He glared down at his hand again.  So much of what he had learned since he woke up that day in Kubota's room had been from experience.  Almost an adult, and he had to start all over again.  Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he had liked ice cream, but the first time he had tasted it had been while he lay in Kubota's bed, one spoonful of vanilla at a time.  The first time he had found out that too much beer at night would equal a headache the next morning was also in Kubota's bed…and then in Kubota's toilet.  His first video game…his first snowfall…his first kiss…         

He closed his eyes, and listened as Kubota flipped another page.  Everything that he'd had to relearn, every place that he'd had to go to look for clues, no matter how bad or how hard it had been, Kubota had been with him, relearning with him, standing with him.  His head bent down so his chin fell onto his knees.  No matter how bad it was, Kubota was always there…

Cracking open one eye, he looked down at his hand and flexed his fingers.  Even though he knew he was moving them, if he squinted, it almost looked like someone else's hand, like someone else's deformed animal hand.

With his eyes narrowed, his hand seemed to almost blur together with the one on top of the pile.  A small voice in the back of his head spoke up softly, breathing life into a fear that was nestled somewhere between his new life relearned, and his old life forgotten.  

_Will he always stay with you?  Can he always stay with you?  Is that even possible when you're something like this?_

In the blur of hands, it was his fingertips that seemed to be the same dark, dark red that stained the floor.        

_When you're something like-_

"HEY!  What the hell are you two doing in here?"  A voice boomed behind him.  His head shot up and he brought his hand quickly to his chest.  He turned to see the officer from before, Fumiya, walking into the bedroom.  His anger was obvious and at that moment, whatever Kasai had said earlier to make him leave them alone seemed to have been disregarded.  Tokitoh quickly looked down.  He was still holding his glove.  He sucked in his breath and turned back to the corner, away from the officer.  He heard the man's heavy steps quickly moving towards him.  When a hand fell and gripped his shoulder, whirling him around, he had stuffed both his hands into the pockets of his jacket.  

Fumiya squinted at him suspiciously.  "What have you been doing?"

"N-n-nothing!"  Tokitoh stammered.  "We were just-"

"Hey, what's in your pockets?  You had better not take any evidence!"  Fumiya grabbed at his right arm and gave it a pull.

"I didn't!  Leggo!"  Fighting to keep his hand in his pocket, Tokitoh took a step back.  His foot fell upon part of the clothes pile and its slick surface caused him to slip.  He started to fall, and with the officer's hand still holding his arm, he went down, but his hand came out of his pocket.  He squeezed his eyes shut, awaiting what was inevitably next.  He heard nothing.  He opened his eyes slowly to find that he was on the floor, and that the officer was still holding his arm, but Kubota had stepped in between them.

"Kubo-chan…"  Tokitoh looked up.  Kubota was facing Fumiya though.  Since his eyes were locked on Kubota's, the officer didn't seem to notice the clawed hand now in full view.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing-" Fumiya started, but Kubota silenced him when he held up a book right in the officer's face, blocking his view.  

"Would this be evidence, sir?"  Kubota's asked.  Tokitoh watched while the other boy, with one hand still holding the book up in front of the officer's face, took his clawed hand and pulled back so Fumiya was forced to let go.  Fumiya tried pushing aside the book to look down at Tokitoh, but Kubota kept it up.

"It's the Metamorphosis.  You know, Kafka?  Do you think Kafka's a clue with anything?"  He matched the book's placement to wherever Fumiya tried to look.  "Would what he was reading help you out at all?"

"Put that thing down!"  Fumiya yelled and grabbed the book from Kubota's hand.  Kubota didn't let go at first, but finally he released his grip and Fumiya fell back a step, the book in his hands.  He scowled at it and tossed it behind him towards the door.  It smacked against the wall and dropped to the floor.  

"Now is **that**police procedure, sir?" Kubota asked innocently.

Fumiya ignored him and turned his glare onto Tokitoh who was getting back up.  The boy glared back up at him while he dusted off his pants with his hands, one which wore a black leather glove.

"I don't give a shit what Kasai said.  I know you two don't belong here."  The officer fumed at them.  "I want you punks out of here now, and if I see that you've tampered with anything, ANYTHING, it'll be all your asses!"  

"Just trying to help, sir, but I can tell when we're not needed.  I'd hate to be in the way of any **professionals** that were here."  Kubota smiled and gave a quick salute.  "Let's go, Tokitoh."  

Tokitoh only nodded and allowed Kubota to lead him out of the room.  He looked back to see Fumiya's eyes still on them.  Kubota stopped at the door and picked up the thrown book.  He turned and lightly tossed it on to the futon.  "I'd hate to have anything out of place," he said, still smiling.  

As he was walking, Tokitoh felt a light pat on the top of his head, and then a warm breath by his ear.  "See?  Books can help you out of quicksand."

"Kubo-chan…I'm-" he started, but Kubota put a finger to his lips.

"When we're out of here," The taller boy said softly.  They got to the main room, and Kubota waved to Kasai who was sitting on the couch and looking overwhelmed by a woman, most likely the manager, crying hysterically in his arms.  

"Thanks for everything, Kasai-san," Kubota called over.  Kasai just nodded and waved them off.  They both headed to the entranceway, past the scattering of shoes, under the yellow tape and through the door.  

As he was leaving, Tokitoh glanced back at the apartment.  They had almost lost a lot over what had amounted in the end to be so little.  They'd learned nothing new about his search, and he'd nearly got himself, got them, caught.  He gritted his teeth.  He was such an idiot.  Why had he survived and this guy, this student or whoever he was, why had he died?

Tokitoh's thoughts were interrupted as a hand fell upon his head.  Kubota squeezed a little, and ruffled his hair, causing Tokitoh to look up at him.  

"You want to get something to eat?"

----- 

They ended up skipping lunch.  What they had seen in the apartment had turned his stomach more than normal, but Tokitoh just shook off Kubota's concerned look by saying he wasn't hungry.  Instead they stopped by a vending machine to get some drinks, and then sat down on a bench, watching the afternoon shoppers walk by.  Out here under the sky, the apartment and its corner seemed so far away, but for some reason Tokitoh couldn't get it out of his mind.  He could still smell the bloody clothes as if he himself were wearing them.  He leaned back on the bench and looked up.  The sky was overcast.  The forecast that morning had been for a 50% chance of rain.  He narrowed his eyes at the clouds.  He had a feeling they were going to be on the losing side of that chance.  

Kubota sat quietly smoking next to him.  They hadn't said anything since they'd sat down, and neither had mentioned the apartment since they'd left it.  Tokitoh wondered a little if Kubota was mad at him.  He had rarely ever seen Kubota mad.  That time with that Sekiya guy in the warehouse with Saori had been one time, but that wasn't even mad really.  It was deeper than that, deeper, and quieter and almost scarier.  Kubota just stood there with his gun, smiling at them all, but Tokitoh knew from where he lay on the ground, that the other boy, no matter how polite and cordial he spoke to the gang leader, was dead serious.  That Sekiya guy probably already knew that, but relearned it that day.  Out of all of the men that had grabbed Tokitoh and Saori, only Sekiya had survived.  Without thinking, Tokitoh's hand went to his throat.  With his fingers he could still feel the light line where Sekiya had drawn his knife across.  He rubbed it absently.  He had never seen Kubota so…not there before.  It was like he was somewhere else, further away than the few feet apart they had actually been.  When Sekiya had jumped through the window, finally letting go of him, Kubota hadn't let a breath pass before he started to follow after.  Tokitoh had reached instinctively out, grabbing at his sleeve, grabbing at him.  Kubota's eyes were so dark, and his smile so set, Tokitoh didn't think he could reach him, either physically or just…

_That's enough…Just let him go…_

But he had reached him, and Kubota stopped and stayed, and let Sekiya go.  And in a moment, he was back to being normal Kubo-chan. Always calm, always smoking, always there, right there, Kubo-chan.  Nothing to fear, always smiling, Kubo-chan.

"…You know?" Kubota interrupted his thoughts.  Tokitoh looked sideways at him.  "I don't have a problem if you don't want to wear your glove.  It's your choice about what you want to do.  It always has been.  But," Kubota took a sip from his can and swished the drink in his mouth before swallowing.  "It might be good to give some warning next time.  So we both can be prepared for what might happen. If that's what you want to do, that is."

"…That's not it."  Tokitoh shook his head.

"What's not it?"

Tokitoh lifted his right hand up, so it silhouetted against the grey sky above.  "…It's not that I don't wanna wear it.  I know that if we're gonna do this, if we're gonna look around and be out here, that I gotta wear it, otherwise those gang jerks will be after us.  It's just…"

"Just?"  

"…Just…it was just…his was just like mine…That's all."  Tokitoh brought his hand down to his face and covered his eyes.  Now all he could see of the grey sky was the thin outline between his fingers.  "His was just like mine.  I guess I just wanted to look at them together. "

"Ah."

"…Kubo-chan?"

"Hm?"

"…sorry."  

Tokitoh felt a hand on the back of his neck, giving him a playful pinch.  "I knew you'd be a handful when I picked you up so there's nothing to apologize for."  Kubota chuckled.  Tokitoh peeked out through his hand to see the other boy smiling over at him.

Kubota stood up and tossed his can into a recycling bin next to the bench.  "Ready for home?"

Tokitoh nodded and tipped his head back, finishing his drink in a few gulps.  As he stood up, he heard a familiar ringing sound.  It was coming from Kubota's coat pocket.  The other boy took out his cell phone, clicked it open, looked at the screen, and then pressing a button, brought it to his ear.  "Hello?   Ah, hello, Kou-san.  Yes…yes…yes, your information was fine."

Tokitoh scowled and sat back down.  They'd gone to see the herbalist that morning.  There was no work then, but Kou had slid them a note with an address on it.  "You may want to check this one out.  It just came in a minute ago."  

Kubota was reading the sheet of paper, but Tokitoh was already out the door.  "C'mon, Kubo-chan," he had called out behind him.  "Let's get there before the cops clean everything up."  A short time later they had arrived at the apartment.  

"…No…no, we didn't really find anything new."  Kubota sat back down as he continued on the phone.  "But we're no worse for wear."  He patted Tokitoh's arm.  "…Oh, what was that?  A job?  No, that's no problem…Yes, we can come right over…yes, we'll see you then.  Goodbye."  Kubota clicked off and slipped the phone back into his pocket.  He turned to Tokitoh who had slid down on the bench.  "Looks like we have a date for this afternoon."

"A delivery?"

"From the sound of it.  Although pretty cut and dry probably."  They both got up and started towards the station.  "Maybe that's good though.  Too much excitement tends to give me gas," he joked.  Tokitoh, lost in thought, didn't respond.  Kubota looked down at him for a moment and then shrugged.  "Tough crowd today."  

"…Kubo-chan?"  Tokitoh stopped walking.  Kubota turned and gave him a questioning look.  "…would it be okay if I just went home on this one?"

"You mean you don't want to go?"  Kubota walked the few steps back to him.  "Are you not feeling well?"  He reached out to feel his forehead, but Tokitoh shifted a step away, dodging his hand.

"Nah, it's just, tired I guess."  He scratched his head.  His face was getting warm, and he felt a little stupid doing this, getting all bent out of shape because of that morning.  But at that moment, he just wanted to go home.  "Would it be alright this time?  You said it was probably cut-and-dry, right?  So that probably won't take long, right?"

"…right."  Kubota nodded slowly.  "That's true.  Probably not long.  But hey, do you want me to call Kou-san?  I can just tell him we can't do it today.  It's no big deal to me either way."

"Nah, it's okay."  Tokitoh shook his head.  "Job's a job, right?  Besides, if we get some money, maybe we can buy something besides curry for tonight."

"Hey, what's with the "we" stuff if you're going home?" the other boy joked.  Tokitoh's face fell a little with the remark.  Kubota looked at him for a moment and then poked him in the stomach.  "It's fine.  I'll meet you later, and maybe, just maybe, I'll bring something home that's only curry-like."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"You'll find out later."  Kubota flicked his forehead.  "C'mon, sourball.  We still both have to catch a train.  And since you're going home, you can take in the laundry."

"Hey!  What the hell?"  Tokitoh started after him, but Kubota only began to whistle, pretending not to hear.  "And what's with that sourball bullshit.  You asshole!  You and your laundry can go rot!"

Kubota only smiled in response.  "Ah, your sweet words always touch me so deeply.  Anyone ever tell you that you could write greeting cards?"

"Fuck you!"

"Ah, that says both "Happy Birthday" and "Merry Christmas".  Very clever."  Tokitoh felt his face heating up in anger, but Kubota only laughed and draped his arm around his shoulders.  This, this was their normal.  

Tokitoh's stop was before Kubota's.  He stood up to get off with the other passengers.  He looked back to see Kubota giving him a wave.  "Chicken curry or beef?" the taller boy called out to him.

Tokitoh scowled.  "Kiss my ass!"  Some of the other passengers around him gave him disapproving looks, but his eyes were on Kubota's who only smiled back.

"So hard to please, so much trouble."  Kubota shook his head.  "I guess you'll have to be surprised."

The train began to slow down, and Tokitoh reached out to hold a pole by the door to balance himself.  His thoughts suddenly went back to when they had been at the bench just a few minutes before.  

"…Kubo-chan?"  He turned to look at the other boy still sitting.

"Hm?"

"…do you ever…"

_"I knew you'd be a handful when I picked you up…"_

His gloved hand tightened on the pole as the train slid to a halt.  He bit his lip and looked out to the people standing outside the doors waiting to come in.  Turning back, he saw Kubota staring at him, his eyebrows raised, waiting for him to finish his question.  He finally shook his head.   "…it's nothing.  I'll see you later.  Say hey and screw you to the hack for me."

"I always give him your love."  Kubota winked.

The doors opened, and the passengers started to leave.  Tokitoh stepped off with them, but before the doors closed, he turned back.  "If you come back dead, you're ass is so gone."

"Gotcha."  Kubota saluted him as the doors closed.  Tokitoh watched as the train pulled out and it and Kubota slid out of sight.  He turned and started to head for the exit.  

Even as he was walking out, his mind was still back on the train, and on the question that he couldn't ask.

_"I knew you'd be a handful when I picked you up…" _

"Do you ever…"  Tokitoh shook his head, trying to clear it.  Damn, he felt so stupid.  He didn't know how he had survived this long.  He didn't know how some fucked up animal like him had gotten this far.  He looked down at his right hand.

And he didn't know how much further he would be able to go.  With every body he saw, it was a reminder that maybe in his body too, there was a little bomb, just ticking away.

And he had no idea when it would go off.  

------  

He opened his eyes slowly and turned his head.  The coming evening made the shadows on the walls even deeper.  He peered out through the window to see the dark clouds from the afternoon even darker and pouring rain.  

"100% chance of shit falling day…" he muttered as he stood up from the couch and stretched.  He had fallen asleep for a few hours and now it was almost six.  The apartment was dark and gloomy, matching the rain outside.  He walked over to the fridge and opened it up.  The bright yellow light illuminated the small kitchen for a few moments as he picked past the beer and the miso and grabbed a can of juice.  He popped the tab and walked back over to the window.  As he drank, he gave a sideways glance to the clock on the TV.  Kubota should have been back by now.  If it was a real "cut-and-dry" job, it shouldn't have taken long at all.  Just a quick delivery, that was supposed to be it.  Tokitoh looked back to the table where his cell phone lay.  He walked over and looked at the screen.  He hadn't missed any calls.  He tapped his can absently and looked again at the clock.  Finally he put the drink down and picked up the phone.  Just as he hit the #1 button, automatically dialing Kubota's number, he heard a knock at the door.  At the same time, Kubota picked up on the other side of the phone.  

Tokitoh held the phone up to his ear as he walked down the hall.  "Hey, you dork.  Are you outside?"

"Nope, just us chickens."  Kubota's voice sounded tired.  "You going to let me in or just taunt me from the door?"

"Taunt you.  Ha-ha."  Tokitoh reached over, unfastened the locks, and opened the door.  "Pretty funny, huh?"  He stopped smirking when his eyes fell on the boy standing in the doorway.

He was soaked, head to foot.  Water dripped from his long coat, from his hair and even his glasses.  His pants were plastered to his legs.  "Hold this, will you?"  Kubota clicked the "off" button on his cell phone and handed it to Tokitoh.  He then pulled out from his coat something that he had been covering, a familiar white-and-red striped bucket.  Tokitoh could smell the chicken from where he was standing.  

"You, moron, get inside!" he yelled, stepping back.  Kubota ducked his head under the doorway and moved inside.  He gave Tokitoh the warm bucket and slowly started to take off his shoes.  Tokitoh stepped up to the entranceway to give him more room.  "Geez, what did you do?  Bathe out there?"

"Something like that."  Kubota said softly, peeling of his coat.  He moved to hang it up by the door when he noticed Tokitoh staring at him.  "What?"

"…Kubo-chan…"  Tokitoh's voice was tense.  "What happened?"

Kubota looked down at his shirt, which was also soaked, but this time with not just rain.  Red splotches ran across his front as well.  "Ah, this."  He shook his head, and started to unbutton it.  "This, I tell you, is going to be a pain to wash."

"What the-"  Holding the bucket to his side, he reached out his other hand to grab Kubota's sleeve, stopping him for a moment from undressing.  "What the hell are you talking about?  What happened?   Was it the delivery?  The hack?  What the hell?"

Kubota just sighed and gently took Tokitoh's hand off his arm.  "Sorry.  Can you wait a bit?  I think I really want to take a shower.  I smell like a whole lot more than chicken right now.  And besides."  He motioned his hand to the bucket, "you better start on that before it gets cold."  He walked past Tokitoh and opened the door to the washroom.  "I'll be out in a bit, okay?"  He gave him his usual calm smile, but he couldn't hide how tired his eyes were.  Tokitoh scowled back as Kubota closed the door.  In a minute he heard the shower start.  He stood in the hallway, listening to the running water.  

"Stupid Kubo-chan."  He finally walked back to the kitchen.  He placed the bucket on the table and opened it slowly, letting the steam out.  Looking down at it, something on the side caught his eye.  Peering closely, he saw along with the red and white stripes, the unmistakable look of fingerprints, a paler red compared to that of the bucket's original design.

"…Fuck."  He turned back to the bathroom.

He felt like such an idiot.  He didn't know anything, and Kubota was holding it all back from him.  It was the Kubota at times like this that he felt was the scariest of all.  

He reached the washroom and opened it up.  Inside were the sink and the washer.  Then there was the door to the shower and bath which was closed and already steamed up.  He could hear the water running on the other side.  He sat down by the door and leaned his head against it.  He looked sideways at the pile of clothes that Kubota had left.  The bloody shirt was on top.  

"What are you doing?" he heard Kubota ask from inside the shower, his voice echoing against the walls.

"Nothing."  Tokitoh answered back.  He looked over at the washer.  He could use that as an excuse, like Kubota had done before.  Right now was almost a reversal of the times when the pain in his right hand would rise up and he would flee to the solace of the shower.  Then he'd just sit under the spray, hoping the pain would eventually leave and follow the flow of water down the drain.  Kubota had always chosen those times to come in and "do laundry", and after starting the machine, he'd stand by the door, just waiting.  It had surprised Tokitoh the first time Kubota had done it, but as he sat there under the water, gripping his hand tight enough that it almost hurt worse than the pain burning within it, he had realized how comforting that silhouette behind the door really was.  As if they'd made some kind of silent pact, they both stayed where they were, listening from their sides of the door to the water running or the washer turning, waiting together until the pain was gone.  This time was different though.  They were on different sides now.  Gritting his teeth, he knocked his head against the door.  "I'm just-"  Damn, he couldn't lie, and he had already done the wash.  "I'm just waiting for you."  

He didn't hear anything for a moment.  Just the water running against the tile.  He closed his eyes and listened to it.  "…Kubo-chan, what happened today?"

There was another pause from the other side.  Finally Kubota answered back, his voice low.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

"What?"  Tokitoh turned his head and looked back.  Through the foggy glass, he could just make out the pale silhouette of Kubota.

"Tell me what happened to you today, and I'll tell you what happened to me."

"What are you talking about?"

"At that apartment.  What happened?  You're normally not that sloppy.  What got you started?"

"Ah."  Tokitoh sucked in his breath.  He didn't even know why he tried to hide anything from Kubota.  The other boy could read him faster than any of his books.  He leaned his head back on the door and sighed.  "…Fine, but you first."

"No, I asked first."

"No, you didn't.  I just did when I came in here!"

"Yes, but I asked earlier today.  That overrides yours."

"What the- You can't carry-over like that!"  

Kubota paused and Tokitoh could hear him walking over to the door.  Another second and he was pushed forward as Kubota opened it.  He turned around to see Kubota half out of the shower room, his lower body just behind the fogged glass.  Tokitoh felt his face heat up.  With Kubota's body so close to the glass, the fog couldn't cover up everything.

Kubota squinted down at him. His glasses were off.  His hair still dripped, but at the moment it was pulled up in all directions by foaming shampoo.  Suds slipped down the side of his face.  He held out his hand and Tokitoh stared back at it.

"Rock paper scissors to see who starts.  Deal?"

"Baka…"

"Do I need to come out there and do this?"  Kubota started to open the door more, but Tokitoh shot his fist out faster.

"One two three Go!"  

"HA!"  Tokitoh raised his hands in victory.  "Rock smashes scissors, I win!  Loser!  Now talk!"  Kubota looked down at him and then dipped his head so it was right over his.  He gave it a good shake so water and soap fell down and hit his forehead.

"Hey!"  Tokitoh held up his hands, trying to block the water and fell back to the opposite wall.  Kubota only smirked at him and shut the door.  

"Fine, fine.  I'll go first."

Keeping a careful eye on the door, Tokitoh slowly slid back to where he had been sitting earlier.  The water on the floor now made his butt wet, but he stayed right by the door.  "So?  Start already!" he yelled.  

Kubota was quiet for another second and then started to talk.  Sometimes he paused underneath the spray of water, but for the most part, he talked without stopping.  Tokitoh just leaned back and listened.  

"Like I said earlier.  It was supposed to be cut and dry.  He was even a customer who we've both delivered to before.  That old guy with the three chins and the comb over.  Remember him?"  Tokitoh nodded silently as Kubota continued.  "But someone else was waiting for him too.  When I got there, Mr. Chins was in his car.  He slid down the window and I could see him and the driver up front.  I remember looking at him and thinking, "He's going to have a fourth chin pretty soon."  You know, like, I was just standing there by the car, holding the package, wondering where he buys his sweaters big enough to fit his neck."

Tokitoh shook his head.  "You are so messed up," he said softly to himself.  Kubota continued, not hearing.  

"But then whoever was waiting for them came out at that moment, and just started shooting at the car.  I ran along the other side and brought it out."  

It…  Tokitoh thought to himself.  He means his gun…

"I didn't really care at that moment about the job or the car, or Mr. Chins, but I don't know.  Someone starts shooting at me, and I shoot right back.  Didn't even think about it.  It was over in a minute.  Mr. Chins got it too though.  Right in the neck.  Blood was all down his shirt.  I just stared at him as he kept trying to open the door to get out of his car.  The guy driving came around, and he was hit too, but in the shoulder.  So he comes lurching over, holding his shoulder and going "Boss!  Boss!"  But Mr. Chins was already out of the car then and just sitting on the ground.  I went to help the driver lift him up, but Mr. Chins was just gone.  Almost as messy as what we saw today."  Tokitoh heard Kubota give a low, quiet chuckle.  "We have to think of better things to do on our weekend, Tokitoh."

"So that's how your shirt was all…and stuff?" he asked from where he was sitting.  

"Yeah," Kubota replied.  "They wouldn't let me leave at first either.  They wanted to make sure that I hadn't set them up.  In the end they believed me.  Probably because it was me who hit the guy in the first place.  There was a lot of yelling and a lot of finger pointing after the driver called some other guys in from the organization."

"Was it the yakuza?"

"Worse."  Tokitoh could hear Kubota's smile.  "Politics.  Anyway, the police finally came, and I cleared out.  Went to Kou's to drop off what I didn't deliver in the end, since the guy who wanted the drugs was dead on the pavement.  Picked up dinner, and now, that's it."  Kubota let out a loud sigh.  "You show me yours now.  What was wrong with today?"

Tokitoh didn't answer.  He was lost in thought.  Kubota had almost got killed today, and yet his tone was as easy-going as always.  Not that they didn't come across this stuff before.  Lots of times in the past, they'd just skipped past death, but always at those times, Kubota seemed like a different person.  When it was just the two of them, he was playful, and quiet, and goofy, like his body was too big for him.  That was the same Kubo-chan that he had woken up to over a year before and had woken up to every day since then.  But then when out **there**, outside, on jobs, searching for clues, Kubota was so quick, and always shot first, always hit first, and suddenly so different.  In those times, he was what that Sekiya guy had called in such a careful tone.  "Kubota Makoto."  

The next second found his face on the floor of the washroom.  He turned, indignant, to face Kubota, who had opened the door from the shower.  A towel was wrapped around his middle.  "What the hell are you doing?"

"Hey, fair's fair, Tokitoh."  Kubota stepped out of the shower room and over to him.  Tokitoh started to back away.  Even with the towel, Kubota was still dripping water.  "No, no, no, no getting away for you."  Kubota placed himself over Tokitoh and holding the towel to himself, sat down sideways on his middle.  Tokitoh tried to push him off, but Kubota didn't budge.  He just tapped Tokitoh's nose.  "Your turn.  Now how was YOUR day?"

Tokitoh glared back up at him.  "You're getting me wet, jerk."  

"Then hurry up and talk, and I'll get up.  Or do you like me like this?"  Kubota rubbed his toweled butt over Tokitoh's stomach.   He felt his face heat up and he looked away, but Kubota's hand took his chin and turned it back towards him.  "C'mon.  Deal's a deal."

Tokitoh laid his head on the ground and puffed out his cheeks.  "Today…like…"

"Like?"  Kubota waited.

"Just…do you ever…"

"Do I ever?"

Tokitoh's hands went to cover his eyes, but Kubota took them both and placed them on the ground.  He lay there with Kubota leaning over, looking down at him.

"What is it, Tokitoh?"

"…Do you ever regret picking me up out of that alley?"  Tokitoh sighed.  He finally said it.  

Kubota sat back up.  "That's sudden.  Why do you ask that?"

"Because of today.  Because I almost got us in trouble.  And that guy, that student-guy.  I mean, why wasn't that me back there, you know?"

Kubota looked back at him silently.  Tokitoh turned to look away, but kept talking.  "I mean, and since that hasn't happened yet.  Like…does that mean it's gonna happen?  Am I gonna wake up one day, and just be this mess of clothes, and am I just gonna wake up one day and not be me?  Just this mess, just this mess that just…"

_That just strikes out and kills and then blows up?_

He swallowed.  "Just out there…and you can see it all.  And what if…you know…"

_What if Kubota was there when I just strike out and kill and then blow up?_

"I could hurt anybody then."

_Which Kubota would be there then?  Would it be Kubo-chan?  Would it be "Kubota Makoto"?  Who would meet the animal that I would become?  Who would stay with the animal that I would be, that I am?_

"…It's like a bomb inside me, waiting to go off."

His hands went again to cover his eyes.  This time Kubota didn't stop him.  He blocked out everything then.  The light, Kubota, everything.  But even with his eyes covered, he could still feel Kubota's weight on his middle and still feel the water dripping from his body on to him.  

"I don't want you to be there when it does…I don't want you to see me then."  He spoke to the dark of his hands, to the pressure on his stomach, to the water on his shirt.  "…and I don't want to see you then, to see you seeing me.  I don't want you to look at me, like those cops looked at that guy today.  Like the old man said."

_Poor Bastard…_

I'm so stupid, he thought to himself.  His hands felt wet around his eyes, so he just pressed harder, hoping to block whatever was coming out.  I'm so so stupid.  

Suddenly he felt hands grip his wrists and pull them away from his face.  He squinted at the light, and Kubota's face came into his field of vision.  His expression seemed different, calm but somber.  Looking back at him through his bleary eyes, Tokitoh couldn't help but wonder to himself.  Which Kubota is this? 

"Hey,"  Kubota said softly, moving his face closer.  He let go of one of Tokitoh's wrists and moved to rub his finger gently underneath each of Tokitoh's eyes.  "Are you that afraid…to show me what's inside you?"  Tokitoh looked away and with his now free hand, covered his eyes again.  Kubota took his other hand, his right, and started to slowly pull the glove off.  Tokitoh didn't move to stop him.

"Hey, did you know that I really like this hand?"  Kubota said quietly.  "It's like the rest of you.  It's different, and sharp, and kind of cute-looking."

"Fuck you." Tokitoh muttered.  

"In a sec."  Kubota smiled.  He lowered his face closer to Tokitoh's right hand and placed his lips softly on it.  "So since I like this so much, I'll probably like everything else too.  Even the inside parts."

"Baka…How can you like that?"  Tokitoh looked up at him.  "You saw it today.  You can't like that."

"But I like you," Kubota countered, and he lowered his lips to Tokitoh's neck.  "So why wouldn't I like the rest of you."  He began to move his mouth slowly down.  Tokitoh tried to move, but Kubota, still sitting on his stomach, wouldn't budge.  While Kubota's one hand grasped his clawed one, his other hand was placed firmly on Tokitoh's side, keeping him still.  "Hey, would it be better if we just did it now?  Got it out of the way?  Then you won't have to worry about it anymore."  

Tokitoh squirmed a little under his touch.  Kubota's breath was hot on his neck.  "What are you talking about?"

Kubota raised his head up and let go of his hand.  He began to unbutton Tokitoh's shirt, one at a time.  "I mean, seeing your insides."  

"Kubo-chan…"  Tokitoh looked up at him as Kubota's hand made its way slowly down his shirt until it lay open in front of him.  Kubota slid off of his stomach and sat on the floor next to him, but still leaned over.  

"Hey, who do you think is more the animal?  You?"  Kubota's left hand took Tokitoh's right and their fingers laced together on the ground.  "Or me?"  He bent down and licked lightly across the Tokitoh's lips.  "Still afraid?"

Tokitoh gave him a defiant look.  "I'm not scared of you."

"Well, at least that's one of us."  Kubota started to press his lips on his chest.  "I guess we're even then."

"…even?"  Tokitoh tried to look at him, but Kubota wouldn't let him up.  

"Because I'm not afraid of you."  Kubota's eyes met his, and Tokitoh saw how clear they were.  He knew then which Kubota he was talking to.  "Why don't we make another deal?  I'll show you how not afraid of you I am, and you show me how not afraid of me you are?  Sound good?"

"Kubo-chan…"

"I'll take that as a yes."  Kubota smiled back and went to place another kiss to his neck.  "Which is good.  If we did rock, paper, scissors again, I don't think I'd let you win this time."

Tokitoh's eyes widened a little and he laid his head back on the ground.  He couldn't help but smile.  Stupid-stupid Kubo-chan.  And stupid-stupid him. 

They really went well together.  He couldn't hide the laugh that shook his stomach.  

"What's so funny?" the mouth slowly moving down his middle asked.

Tokitoh shook his head, and rose up a little so his hand could reach Kubota and bring his face up to his own.  His eyes searched the other's familiar squinting expression.  

If he ever shows himself to anyone…

"No matter what-"

Kubota just looked back at him silently, waiting.

No matter which Kubota was with him…No matter which him was with Kubota…

Tokitoh furrowed his brow, and tried to make his expression as stern as possible, under the circumstances.  "I'll never be afraid of you."

Kubota smiled as he kissed his lips.  "That, Tokitoh-kun, sounds like a challenge." 

Tokitoh felt another laugh shake his stomach, but in the next second everything was taken over, and swept away.

------

His eyes opened slowly in the darkness.  He looked up to see the window of their bedroom, and the lights outside giving it a soft orange glow around the edges.  As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he started to recognize the familiar parts of the room.  The desk with the computer, the chair, the arm around him…

Sometime they had moved from the bathroom to the bed.  It wasn't too clear to him when though.  Times like those were just one bumpy stream of heat and pushing and grabbing, and locking from both sides.  He stretched his leg out a little, trying to shake a kink out without hitting the sleeping figure next to him.  

He turned to look at his hand which lay across the small part of the bed between him and the wall.  His glove was still off and in the dim light, he could see the outline of his claws.  On top of his hand lay Kubota's.  Even though he knew one hand was his, and he could feel the weight of Kubota's on top, in the low orange glow from the window, they looked almost like somebody else's hands whose fingers were tied together some time in the night.  He flexed his, watching his fingers move slightly, affirming that in fact, that clawed furry hand was his own.  It moved because he wanted it to, and it stayed because he wanted it to.  Even if he never wanted this hand, it was his now.  And he would have to make the best of it.

_Did you know that I really like this hand?_

After all, it wasn't just him here.  There was another hand with his, tied to his, staying with his.  He flexed his fingers lightly again, and was surprised when he felt Kubota's hand lightly return the squeeze.  The boy's breathing next to him hadn't changed at all from his usual sleeping calm, but awake or dreaming, Kubota had squeezed back.     

Tokitoh laid his head back down on the pillow.  Through his back, he could feel the rise and fall of Kubota's chest.   He remembered then that before he got totally swept away by Kubota's own heat and promises, he had one lingering thought as he lay on the floor of the washroom.  

If he ever shows himself to anyone, all of himself, even the insides, even the animal that he was, and maybe someday would be…

He would show it to the Kubota that lay next to him now and to the Kubota that he knew would be next to him whenever that day came when his insides joined his outsides.  

Right then in the dark, that thought didn't scare him as it did earlier that day.  His gaze rested upon their hands one more time.  As his eyes slowly closed, the outlines of their fingers blurred together, and the differences between the fur and the flesh seemed to fade away into the light that streamed across their bed.

If it would be like this, and he believed it would be, then that would be okay.  

That last thought lingered into nothingness as his own breathing joined the sleeping calm.

^^


End file.
